Well It Just Hit Me...

We're having another baby in a few short weeks.  Yup.  Been pregnant for 34 weeks, and yet it only just really hit me what that will entail...again.

In just 3 short weeks, I will be term.  If James follows the same track his sister followed, he'll be here in just 4 weeks.  If he comes when the doctors believe he will, he'll be here in about 5 weeks.  My due date is in 6 weeks.  I am so unprepared.

My nursery isn't complete.  Still waiting on some of the decorations and such.  Mentally, I'm unprepared for this. Not that I don't want to see my son and everything, but I just can't believe it's almost that time already.  I have 40-gazillion questions running through my head.  Most of which consist of how Ella is going to handle everything.  How am I going to be able to handle being away from my little girl for at least 2 nights in the hospital?  How is she going to take to having a little brother?  Is she going to change from being my sweet little munchkin who loves to cuddle with Mommy?

I know all of this is normal, but I feel like a bad person sometimes for thinking it.  This pregnancy has just gone by so fast that I really haven't had time to think about it and appreciate it like I did with Ella.  With her, I rubbed my belly and talked to her all the time.  This time, I barely even give my belly a second thought...unless it's itchy...or James is kicking the crap out of me...or there is a problem.

Oh, well.  I guess I'll just have to get used to the whole idea pretty quickly.  I'm definitely looking forward to seeing my little man and having my body back to myself.  I'm just having some anxiety about the whole situation.

I think what makes it so bad is that I really don't have anyone to talk to who had their kids relatively close together...in recent times.  Even my mom had my brother and me almost 13 years apart.  My oldest sister is almost 7 years younger than me. Most of my friends had their kids spread out.  Ella will be 22 months old when James is born.

I guess my most difficult thing to process is that I wish I had more time with Ella before James gets here.  I wish I could have seen her grow up a little more.  However, Jay and I met and got married in our late 20's, and I want to have all our childbearing out of the way before I turn 35 because I don't want to worry about the medical complications that tend to come at that age.  So, we had our kids closer together.

All I know is that IF we decide to have a 3rd child, it will be when Ella and James are a couple of years older.  James will have to be 2 BEFORE we even consider trying again.  I just am not sure I can do this whole pregnancy thing again.  Too much anxiety, and way too taxing when you're chasing a toddler around.

Not to mention the fact that Jay found out he's probably getting deployed next fall.  So, I'm going to be here with an almost 3 year old, an almost 1 year old, 2 dogs and a cat for 7 months by myself.  I don't blame him.  He can't do anything about it.  It's just really hard to process right now.  Jay's going to miss Thanksgiving, Christmas, James's first birthday, Ella's birthday and our anniversary.  Kind of sucks.  Oh, well.  Not a whole lot I can do about it, and I'm trying not to think about it.  At least he'll be on a ship for 7 months and out of harm's way for the most part.  This will be our first deployment.  We've been together 4 years now.  Craziness.

Anyway.  Sorry for the long vent post today.  Just having one of those days.  :)