Best of Times

Just got a call from the OB nurse. My ultrasound measured 5 weeks and 5 days...not 5 weeks. My beta HCG levels are super high at 45,510! Right where they should be for a 6 week pregnancy. The doc is so pleased with the numbers that I don't have to have them repeated! I just have to have my ultrasound on 1/3! Talk about a Christmas miracle!! I am so happy right now!! Now...to find out my new due date.

Worst Day Ever

I've been holding out on you.

I found out we were expecting baby #3 on 11/29. Talk about a shock to both of us! So, I am supposed to be about 7 weeks today. I called the doc because I had been having symptoms of an ectopic pregnancy. They told me to come in for an ultrasound. Good news, no tubal pregnancy. Bad news, there is no baby showing up. Apparently, there is a sac, but I'm measuring about 5 weeks pregnant instead of 7 weeks. They are concerned about a miscarriage. They did bloodwork today, and I have to go back on Thursday for more bloodwork. Plus, if I don't obviously miscarry over Christmas, I have to return on January 3 for another ultrasound to see if the baby is growing. Other issue is, I have 2 rather large cysts on my right ovary, but they can't do anything about them since I'm pregnant as it would definitely cause a miscarriage.

I am devastated. As surprising as this pregnancy was, we had finally gotten used to the idea of having a 3rd baby. Even if Jay was going to be deployed for the duration of the pregnancy. I can't stop crying. Everyone is telling me to trust in God, and that God has it under control...but that is not really what I want to hear right now. It's not very comforting.

Anyway. There it is. We were supposed to announce it over Christmas. We even had a cute little idea for it. Looks like we won't be, now.

Jay is on his way home from work. I'm going to put the other 2 to bed for a nap. I just can't get my brain to stop. :( I feel so....helpless.

The Time Has Come!

Halloween just past, and my little diva princess hasn't quite dropped her costume persona. lol This was Ella's first year trick or treating, and she was so excited to go out with Daddy. :) Kid loaded up!!

Now, it's time for me to get Ella all packed and ready for her trip to Mee-Maw's. Mom is coming tomorrow to watch the kids while we go to the Marine Corps Ball, and then she is taking Ella to stay with her until Friday! I am so not ready! lol Been putting it out of my mind for a while. I know she's going to have a lot of fun, but I am still a little sad. Oh, well. :)

I'm having to figure out what to do with Moxy. She's sick again and not getting any better. Its an endless cycle of antibiotics. Just as soon as we get her well again, she gets sick again. She stinks. Her hair is falling out. She is itchy. She can't stop shaking her head. She is losing weight. This is horrible. She can't be happy like this. Her hair is back to looking gross and sickly. She was so beautiful just a month ago. :( Jay is getting frustrated with all the vet expenses. I'm doing the very best I can on the holistic end to help her to save money, but nothing is working. I have to wonder if there is a deeper issue. We thought it was the erlichiosis, which we took care of. So, does she have something else compromising her immune system? Cancer maybe? I don't know. It's so frustrating. I don't want to send her to a rescue or put her down, but we just can't afford the constant vet bills. No one expects to have to pay so much for a dog. In the end, it's a dog. There is only so much you can do. Crow is never sick like this. Ever. Never had to take him or the cat to the vet for anything. So, I'm not sure what to make of it. All I know is my house stinks. No amount of cleaning gets rid of the smell. We now have to replace our carpet with hardwoods because of the Moxy smell and grime. And we need new furniture because it all smells like dog. Never had that problem before her. Our room needs constant airing out. It's disgusting. Absolutely disgusting. I can't even let James play on the floor for all the grime and such. He's allergic to Moxy's dander, and his eczema flairs up pretty bad. So, what do I do?

Anywho. Happy Friday, all!

Evil Kitty - Free to Good Home

OMG! I just walked past my daughter's bedroom and smelled a strong odor of cat pee. Since her room is across from where his litterbox is located, I thought it was the box...until I found a pile of cat poop on her bed, and a GIGANTIC WET SPOT in the middle of the bed under the covers. Now, she has not even messed with the cat this morning. So, the asshole decided to pee on her bed for no reason! He's been humping the little dog lately, even though they are both neutered. I have no clue what's going on, but I am beyond livid. Thankfully, the pee didn't go further than the washable items. So, I sprayed everything down with Nature's Miracle and tossed them in the wash on the "Whitest whites" cycle. It washes twice with hot water and rinses 3 times. Praying it can be salvaged. He's NEVER done this before. Ever!!! I know it's a bit drastic, but if this is how he's going to be, then he can go live elsewhere. We've been super good to that cat in the 5 years we've had him, and he's been good to us for the most part. I just don't understand why he did this. And it's not like a UTI. He hasn't had any symptoms of that except this. He's never pee outside of his litterbox or anything. I am so upset right now. He's the first pet we got together. I don't want to get rid of him, but if he is going to act like this, I don't want him around.

Other than that, I'm just planning the menu for Jay's going away party in January. Going to make some dips, stuff for small sandwiches, cookies, brownies, and a cake. :) Fun times. Just wish it was for a homecoming party and not a going away party. Definitely going to miss him. Hoping the 8 months he'll be gone will fly by.

Ugh. Waiting on the sheets to get done so I can survey the damage and determine if we need new sheets for my daughter's bed. Yippee.

Time to Play Catch Up...Again

I am so sorry that I haven't been posting regularly. No excuses or reasons. I'm just lazy, and ADD, and I forgot.

I went to the surgeon on the 12th. He was pushing 80, had a hunchback, and could barely hear. And he walked with a slow, shuffling gait. I wasn't impressed. Basically, he said he couldn't figure out why the hospital referred me to him as he didn't see anything wrong with my gallbladder. Not sure if it was age-related vision problems, or genuinely nothing wrong. He wanted to run more tests and send me to a gastroenterologist. I declined. I'm not having anymore symptoms, so nothing would really show up on the tests anyway. Been down that road. Besides, do I really want an 80-year old surgeon cutting me open? That's a scary thought. No offense to anyone in their 70's, but there comes a time when you should put down a scalpel and stick to the administrative side of things. Yes, I just made some ageist remarks, but I don't care. The fact of the matter is that your brain just doesn't function at the speed as the rest of your body, or as it used to for that matter, the older you get. And when it comes to life and death situations, I'd rather have a younger, quicker doctor working on me. Just saying.

Finally got Ella's costume put together. She is going as a fairy for Halloween this year. Mom was sweet enough to send me some cute clothes for the kids, and among them was a set of black PJ's for James with a glow-in-the-dark skeleton body on them. So, he's going as a skeleton. lol It works.

The Marine Corps Ball is coming up, and I have to find a dress. I haven't gone since the year before I got pregnant with Ella. Wow. Mom is watching the kids, and then she is taking Ella to stay with her for about a week. This is the first time she's going to be gone from me for anything length of time. I'm kind of, ok more than a little nervous. I need the break, though. So, this should be a good thing. :)

Found out Jay's deployment is now going to be about 8 months. Trying not to think about it. Its really overwhelming, though. I love him. Can't stand being away from him. It's not just having the kids by myself. I can do that. He's my soulmate, though. So, I worry about him. A lot. I worry about his blood pressure and make sure it's always under control. I worry about his safety being over there with all that's going on. I just want him to be home, and be safe. You know what's more frustrating? He's got this degree in criminal justice and has talked about working for a police department when he retires. Not sure I could take the stress. He says its a last resort. I really hope he finds something else. I really do.

This is a mindless rambling post. I am in a bit of pain at the moment. My neck has been hurting for a month, and now my shoulder and back are following suit. Tried heat, ibuprofen, pain meds, new pillow, stretching, massage....nothing has helped. It just hurts. Had a migraine/tension headache combo a few days ago. Think it was brought on from the neck pain. That was pretty darn miserable. Haven't had one like that in a long while.

Anyway. I do hope everyone else is doing well. :) I'm going to go spend some time with the kiddos while they are still young. :) James is pulling up and getting into everything. Ella's as clumsy as every and running into stuff all the time. I think it's because she's not looking where she's going. She's so smart, though. Knows the alphabet song now. She can count 1-10. She knows her left from her right. She knows the sounds most letters make. Its amazing to see her learning something new on a daily basis. :)

Spiraling into Insanity

This is not something I really want to talk about. I feel like the worst mom on the planet. Been having some serious rage issues lately, and it's completely out of character for me. I don't rage. I don't even act out in anger. I really don't. The problem is that lately, I have been the meanest person in the whole world, and I can't stop it.

These past few days have been a nightmare for me. To the point that the least little thing will set me off into a screaming, mean-worded outburst at my daughter. I love her. So much. And I'm in tears as I type this. She is the sweetest, smartest, and most loving little girl in the whole world. I don't know why I get so mad at her. I had to lock myself in my room Thursday because I was terrified I might hurt her if I was around her. Not that I would hurt my kids. That would never happen. I was just terrified of my anger and rage. I saw fear in my daughter's eyes, and I heard some of the mean things I said. Its really not like me. I am not evil. I don't know where its coming from. She doesn't deserve this, and I am terrified of psychologically damaging her.

She's going through those defiant terrible 2's...almost 3's. She doesn't listen. Whether I'm mean or nice about things, she just won't listen. I can't even bribe her to do things. Its so frustrating. And I'm with her and James all day everyday. I don't get a single break. Jay tries to help when he's home, and he's a great daddy...but I'm still doing the majority of the work for both kids. I've been on my period for the past 4 days, so maybe some of it was that. It seems to have calmed down a lot today.

I don't know what to do. I've been having a lot of problems with the birth control I'm on - Micronor (Generic is Camila). My period was a week late this cycle, and 5 days late the last. I've gained 10 lbs while I've been on it. Periods are seriously heavy. Its the last pill the docs can put me on. I haven't been able to take the others because they give me serious headaches, some with auras. After researching it, I found several complaints of serious rage issues and weight gain; those being the biggest complaints about this pill. So, hubby and I have decided that I will quit taking this pill when I finish the pack...in about 2 weeks. I hadn't been on the pill since 2007. The docs here kind of force birth control upon you once you have a baby. Ridiculous, really. We didn't have any problems before, and both our kids were planned. Sure, it takes a LOT of careful charting and using condoms, but it worked for us. So, this is my plan. Maybe it will help. Praying it will.

My friend, Hannah, talked to me today about part-time daycare. So, Jay and I have talked about the possibility of getting Ella into a daycare or church day school 2 days a week for like 4 hours each day. That way, I can do some cleaning and have time to myself, with just James and me, and Ella can get some social interaction with other children. Maybe that will help. Ella is excited about the prospect.

As soon as I find out more about my surgery, I will be taking Ella to stay with my Mom for a few days...maybe a week. She said she wanted to visit her Mee-Maw by herself, and it could be good for the both of us. I just feel like a bad mom for sending my kid away like that. Since I don't work outside the home, I should be taking care of it. It's easy. Other mothers are so patient and loving, and their kids behave. What am I doing wrong?

Jay scheduled me a spa day for tomorrow. Maybe a day to myself is just what I need. Full massage, mani/pedi/facial, eyebrow wax, haircut and style. I haven't pampered myself in forever. Maybe this will help me decompress.

Something's got to give. I just can't do this by myself anymore. With Jay's deployment coming up, I really need to find some way of dealing with this. You know? Please, don't think Ella's the problem. She's not. She is an amazing little girl, and I love her with all my heart. That's why I'm trying to find a way to deal with this. I don't want to damage my precious gifts from God. They mean the whole world to me.

Got An Appointment!

Got my approval letter from Tricare to see the general surgeon. Got my appointment for the 12th. Now, to find someone to watch the kids. I guess we'll see how it goes. I can only hope they will agree it needs to come out.

It's been crazy lately. Ella's had the worst of attitudes lately. All she does is whine, cry, and scream when she doesn't get her way. I really don't know how to handle it anymore. Nothing seems to be working. I caught her stealing money out of her brother's piggy bank yesterday and putting it in her piggy bank. She almost cleaned him out! I guess her terrible 2's are going to transition into the terrible 3's. Praying it peaks soon because I just can't take anymore bratty behavior.

I think James is teething again. He's woken up with full diarrhea diapers the last 3 mornings. Atrocious smelling and 2 have been blow outs. Talk about gross! He's doing good, though. Eating like a horse. He's holding his own bottles, now...as long as I use his Nuby sippy cup style bottle with the handles. lol He's getting so big! I can't believe he's 10 months old today!! Where has the last year gone?! I need to start planning his first birthday party soon!

Jay checked in with the MEF this week. I think that's Marine Expeditionary Force. I could be wrong. Don't quote me. Slated to deploy in February. Not sure for how long. Hope it's only 6 months. I'm going to be strong, though. I can't break down or lose my mind. Once we get this deployment behind us, everything can go back to being normal. Just this one, and we should be done. :)

Anyway. Jay and I are talking about putting in bamboo flooring come tax return time. Just in the living room and hallway. Mew has destroyed some of the carpet in the living room...even though he has a scratching post. And the carpet is so gross. I vacuum all the time, and James's clothes still turn gray and smell like feet/dog when he crawls on the floor. Its so disgusting. I think, with all our allergies, it will be better on all of us to switch to hardwood floors and rugs. I'm pretty excited about it. Hoping we can find some inexpensive furniture soon, too. The couch smells like feet and dog. No matter how much deodorizer we use, nothing helps. One side is flat because it's where we sit all the time. The recliner on the other side doesn't work. There are stains all over the microfiber from baby's throwing up on it...or us spilling drinks on it. :) It's just time for new stuff. lol

Well, that's about it for this post. Hope everyone is well. :)

Well the Time Has Come...

I spent 6 hours in the ER last night after a week long bout of gallbladder pain. Not sure if it's related to the ICP. I had gallstones shortly after my daughter was born, but after a HIDA scan showed "normal" function (we'll get back to this later), the docs decided to leave my gallbladder to its own devices.

Anyway. Good news - Not pregnant! My ultrasound showed fluid around my gallbladder and inflammation...no stones. However, the ER doc referred me to a surgeon for further evaluation. Went to my family doc today, who is also a GI doc, and told him about what was going on. Also told him my gallbladder was functioning at 85% according to that HIDA scan in 2010. He told me that even though above 80% was considered "normal" function, it is actually abnormal because 50-79% is proper gallbladder function. Therefore, my gallbladder could be constricting too much instead of not enough. Go me for having the Superman of gallbladders. Does that make my doctor Lex Luther for wanting to take it out? :)

So, the referral to the surgeon has been submitted. Just waiting on approval. Joy of joys.

A Little Anxious

So, Jay is slated to deploy next year, and I am trying not to think about it. However, I have so much to get done before he leaves. POA, Wills, etc. Ever notice how planning for the future usually means having to face the worst-case scenarios? Like who will care for your kids in the event you and your spouse die? In NC, if you don't select someone, your kids go to foster care. Can you believe that? Doesn't matter if your parents, siblings, or other family members are willing, able, and available. They go to foster care. So, I have to get all this stuff done in the next 3ish months to have it ready in case he's deployed at the beginning of the year. Really not something I want to think about.

On top of this, I am trying not to freak out because I have pregnancy symptoms again. Praying it's just my birth control pill. I don't get it. Didn't use birth control from 2007 until this year, and we only had planned babies. Now, I'm on the pill, and I could be pregnant. Are you kidding me?! I ovulated on Yaz and got migraines with auras...so they changed me to the POP - Micronor. I take it at 8 am every morning, but it's still not the most effective pill. Oh, well. Nothing I can really worry about right now. Just a little scary because I would be pregnant with 2 kids under 4 by myself...and giving birth by myself. Then, it would be just me with 3 kids under 4 until my husband gets home. Go figure.

Oh, well. I'm going to try not to worry about it. As scary as it is, I'm just going to go on about my business today as usual. I have cleaning to do, and I need to research POA's and wills.

It's Been A While!

I am terribly sorry for the almost 10 month hiatus.

James arrived at 3:49pm on December 3, 2011, screaming his little lungs out. 7 lbs, 10 ounces of pure perfection. Shortly thereafter, he was rushed to NICU for 18 hours because his BP plummeted, and he began gasping for air. He had too much fluid in his lungs, and they had to wait for him to absorb it all. I didn't get to breastfeed for 18 hours. It was a rough 3 days in the hospital for both of us.

Now, we are 9 months and 3 weeks later, and he is 21 lbs, 8 oz. He is crawling and trying to stand. He eats like a horse and hates baby food. :) Already sporting 18-month clothes. He has 6 teeth, and 2 more coming in! Can you believe it?! Love my sweet little man.

Ella, our daughter, is 2 and a half. She is learning to read a little. She knows her numbers, colors, letters, letter sounds, and some shapes. :) She's so funny, too! Love her to death!

So, it's been a crazy year. My husband went back to work at a new battalion, where he is set to deploy around January for about 6 months. I am feeling a bit anxious about it, but there isn't much we can do. I just have to pray and believe he will come home safely.

Hope you guys are doing well!