This is not something I really want to talk about. I feel like the worst mom on the planet. Been having some serious rage issues lately, and it's completely out of character for me. I don't rage. I don't even act out in anger. I really don't. The problem is that lately, I have been the meanest person in the whole world, and I can't stop it.
These past few days have been a nightmare for me. To the point that the least little thing will set me off into a screaming, mean-worded outburst at my daughter. I love her. So much. And I'm in tears as I type this. She is the sweetest, smartest, and most loving little girl in the whole world. I don't know why I get so mad at her. I had to lock myself in my room Thursday because I was terrified I might hurt her if I was around her. Not that I would hurt my kids. That would never happen. I was just terrified of my anger and rage. I saw fear in my daughter's eyes, and I heard some of the mean things I said. Its really not like me. I am not evil. I don't know where its coming from. She doesn't deserve this, and I am terrified of psychologically damaging her.
She's going through those defiant terrible 2's...almost 3's. She doesn't listen. Whether I'm mean or nice about things, she just won't listen. I can't even bribe her to do things. Its so frustrating. And I'm with her and James all day everyday. I don't get a single break. Jay tries to help when he's home, and he's a great daddy...but I'm still doing the majority of the work for both kids. I've been on my period for the past 4 days, so maybe some of it was that. It seems to have calmed down a lot today.
I don't know what to do. I've been having a lot of problems with the birth control I'm on - Micronor (Generic is Camila). My period was a week late this cycle, and 5 days late the last. I've gained 10 lbs while I've been on it. Periods are seriously heavy. Its the last pill the docs can put me on. I haven't been able to take the others because they give me serious headaches, some with auras. After researching it, I found several complaints of serious rage issues and weight gain; those being the biggest complaints about this pill. So, hubby and I have decided that I will quit taking this pill when I finish the pack...in about 2 weeks. I hadn't been on the pill since 2007. The docs here kind of force birth control upon you once you have a baby. Ridiculous, really. We didn't have any problems before, and both our kids were planned. Sure, it takes a LOT of careful charting and using condoms, but it worked for us. So, this is my plan. Maybe it will help. Praying it will.
My friend, Hannah, talked to me today about part-time daycare. So, Jay and I have talked about the possibility of getting Ella into a daycare or church day school 2 days a week for like 4 hours each day. That way, I can do some cleaning and have time to myself, with just James and me, and Ella can get some social interaction with other children. Maybe that will help. Ella is excited about the prospect.
As soon as I find out more about my surgery, I will be taking Ella to stay with my Mom for a few days...maybe a week. She said she wanted to visit her Mee-Maw by herself, and it could be good for the both of us. I just feel like a bad mom for sending my kid away like that. Since I don't work outside the home, I should be taking care of it. It's easy. Other mothers are so patient and loving, and their kids behave. What am I doing wrong?
Jay scheduled me a spa day for tomorrow. Maybe a day to myself is just what I need. Full massage, mani/pedi/facial, eyebrow wax, haircut and style. I haven't pampered myself in forever. Maybe this will help me decompress.
Something's got to give. I just can't do this by myself anymore. With Jay's deployment coming up, I really need to find some way of dealing with this. You know? Please, don't think Ella's the problem. She's not. She is an amazing little girl, and I love her with all my heart. That's why I'm trying to find a way to deal with this. I don't want to damage my precious gifts from God. They mean the whole world to me.
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